~* Halloween Horrorscopes *~

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The Anti-Crisst
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~* Halloween Horrorscopes *~

Postby The Anti-Crisst » Wed Oct 21, 2015 6:49 pm

Your inner Cookie Monster is calling. Satisfy that craving before it turns into an inner Underpants Leprechaun. Nom nom nom. Halloween looks to be a scary one for you. But before you go around crying, "Ooooh, I want my mummy! I want my mummy!" think about this: You want more lovin’, right? Well, if you run around like a scaredy cat, you will, to quoth the raven, "Neverscore." A little word of advice; vampires are evil, hypnotic people who will emerge in the night and drain you. Sounds like someone you used to date. You need to be careful because you may have closed the metaphoric coffin lid on a relationship, only to find that this person will rise from the graveyard of your heart to worm their way back into your life. One word of advice from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer": A vampire can only come in if you invite them. Warning: You've locked the doors and bolted the gate, but what of the chimney?

Failure to act quickly will result in some mysterious pink slime escaping from your bathroom and wreaking havoc downtown. Again. A black cat will follow you around this month. There's nothing sinister behind this; you just smell of fish. Do not, under any circumstances, accept that dare to spend a night in the haunted house. You won't be killed by evil poltergeists, but you will fall down the stairs and break your legs. Also, the decor is from the 70s and will blow what's left of your mind. Tuesday will be a bad day for you. You’re going to slip on a banana peel and end up in a coma for roughly a month. You’ll wake up in a dimly lit hospital room, only to find that there is no one else around! You walk outside trying to figure stuff out when you realize that the whole town is overrun by zombies. Hope you’re handy with a baseball bat or a shotgun! Maybe we can all meet up in an abandoned mall or something. Text me!

Saturn is out on vacation, so that means family troubles in your future. A parent might ask you to come home, on account of one of your siblings isn’t feeling that well. They have a raspy voice, projectile vomit, their head can spin 360 degrees and they’re all about the crab walk. Swine Flu? Probably. It’s best that you be supportive in their time of need. And maybe call a doctor or a priest. Your crush, whom you didn’t know even noticed you and you thought possibly resented you, is going to ask you to a dance! Given your hot tempered nature, you’re likely to be angered quickly if your plans don’t work out as well as you’d hoped. Try not to use your festering rage to murder a room full of people with your mind, as this is a common Aries trait. Just think of the poor cleaner who has to mop up the blood afterwards and wear a red dress so that the pig blood they're going to throw over you doesn't show.

Fearless Taurus, do you suddenly feel like you're being watched? Are you paranoid?! Not so fearless anymore, are you?! Trickster Mercury short-circuits your mental wiring Halloween weekend, and unlike the bullheaded Taurus we know and love, you're now shivering with fright at things going bump in the night. If you make it to Halloween night without going berserk, you still risk the horror of falling in love with some deranged monster or serial killer as your crazed Venus-square-Neptune fantasies generate a foolish desire for demons. You face your face your worst fear this weekend when friends don't "get" your over-the-top Halloween costume. Your best friend dared you to take a chance, but you took it too far and offended someone; or even worse, confused or bored them to death. Now you're lashing out for attention, which is more scary than one of those little ghost children in a B-rated horror flick. Come Halloween Night, your temper tantrums will begin to subside, but the situation is still grave as your bruised ego compels you to chase after any ol' monster who will pay you some attention. Trust. No. One.

Next week is a good time to do good deeds. Uranus will influence you to adopt a lonely gargoyle, but don’t expect to housebreak it. Horror is in the eye of the beholder, whether that eye be bloodshot and yellow, peering at you from the shadows of the night, or whether the eye is a horrible dismembered giant radioactive eye. What is truly scary? A werewolf? A werewolf is not so much a horrible half-man half-beast as a chronic undershaver. A headless horseman is just the victim of a particularly bad hair day. In much the same way, you can find the brighter side of anything that comes your way, no matter how horrific or annoying. This is one of your better traits; since this month is going to be, shall we say, interesting for you... I will refrain for once from listing your worse ones. Warning: If, when you pull at the face of that monster, the mask doesn't come off, it's not your neighbour dressed up but an actual monster. Run.

A spooky stranger will attempt to scare you away from your favourite bar. Thwart that evildoer with an epic Scooby Doo-like reveal, and save the day. On Halloween night, it's better that you dress up in a costume and go to a bar rather than stay home. The neighbourhood children will avoid your residence anyway, as they are frightened of that terrifying monster that opened the door last year; in other words, you in the throes of PMS and a bad hangover. It's full moon soon, so you will be out every night in any case, howling at the moon and tearing up a victim or two. Here's some free advice; wear dark clothes, as blood is hell to wash out of pastels, and avoid silver. Halloween sweets do not count as calories, so feel free to buy a ton of them and eat them all. However, stealing sweets from trick or treating children will mean that the calories will double. Tip: Next time you see a horror movie, pay attention. When someone says a place is haunted, don't go in.

You will be plagued by recurring nightmares next week about clowns who drink herbal tea and read “Twilight” novels out loud. *shudders* Zombies are pretty well-known for trying to suck the brains out of people's heads, just like geography teachers and traffic wardens. You escape a horrific fate worse than death, if you can steer clear of boring people at parties. Try acting more like a Cancer, but less psychotic. Warning; do not sit next to that normal looking guy at lunch. He may look a better prospect than the werewolf, but the normal looking guy is in fact part of the Borg and will attempt to assimilate you. Your low IQ will cause the Borg to commit collective suicide, so it is better for all concerned that you do not become part of it. Tip: Wearing a mask with your Halloween costume is a good idea, despite the fact that your actual face is more scary.

Scary is relative, and we don't just mean your crazy relatives who threaten to come visit for six weeks, but rather the idea that whereas a movie with monsters made out of cardboard boxes and paper mache may have been the scariest thing you'd ever seen when you were eight, it now looks like crap. You must get over your initial fears of a new project or relationship; although it seems insurmountable now, if you stick with it, you will eventually be able to overcome it. Just don't celebrate by singing; you don't want to frighten people to death. This week you'll find that you attract more flies with honey than even dead zombie flesh, and being inherently nice to the opposite sex will make them flock to you like vultures to a skeleton. If you already have a man in your life, now is the time to guilt him into spoiling you rotten. Your practical streak and need to over-plan puts a crimp on Saturday's Halloween parties, and your behavior is so stodgy you even horrify yourself. Vow to change, and soon.

Fair Libra, you waste scary amounts of energy this weekend trying to take on more frightening fun than you can handle. Scale down your grand plans for Saturday night and prepare instead for the horror that awaits on Sunday when a trusted friend reveals your darkest secret to the world. Will you remain calm and balanced when this happens, or will you freak out and finally show your dark side this Halloween night?! Next week, the moons of Jupiter align in the seventh house as your constellation is eclipsed by the sun. Translated roughly, this means vampires. So stock up on garlic, lock yourself in the bathroom, and invest in some Anne Rice novels. They won’t give you any good advice, but they will make your paranoia a bit more intellectually stimulating. Beware of things that go bump in the night, whether they be ghouls or stray mice. Sweet dreams, Libra.

The stars will align next week in your favor. You can finally look forward to some fun and folly before the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Maybe having toast for breakfast everyday is a bad idea. Mix it up from time to time to avoid the toaster rebelling. Apply this throughout your life or many bad things will happen to you. A witch has moved in down the street; it might be a good idea to take her a fruit basket so that she won't put any bad spells on you. Like those who reside in Midsomer, you are doomed to become either a murderer or be murdered; it might be an idea to grab a gun and take the initiative. Avoid clown dolls this Halloween and unplug the TV. You may wish to end up on TV, but not in TV, amirite? Besides, watching static late at night will do horrible things to your brain. Resist the temptation to go down to the cellar and check out the Indian burial ground; they don't want someone as stupid as you to disturb them.

People will keep insisting they see you in places you have not been, leading you to suspect you have a Doppelganger. Again. Did someone say "Halloween party?" The Moon's in your sign on Saturday night and you're costumed up and ready to go. Some might say you're too ready, in fact, as your zombie drinking buddies tempt you to over indulge and wake Sunday with a horrific hangover. Shake off the evils of embarrassment and get moving again, because you're in charge come fright night. Most others are out of whack today and need you to set the Trick-or-Treating pace. Bold action is expected of you. Whose house are you going to TP? I would not recommend TPing the house of a Cancer or Scorpio, as they will wreak a terrible revenge on you that would have Ted Bundy shaking in his boots and give you nightmares for many months to come. Warning: Those knocks you can hear at night are not the house settling.

Things will be relatively calm for you next week, except for that one small incident with the shape-shifting demons on Monday. No biggie. A few of your friends are going to invite you to go to a cabin in the woods with them. Forest bonding! One of your friends even gives you a present; not the crate of beer you were hoping from, but instead, a book bound in skin (uh… thanks guys?). Careful when you read from it tho, the trees might start getting all cranky and touchy feely. Remember to stay close to your buddies and don’t forget to bring some marshmallows! It's probably best to remain in the cabin and not answer the door, especially to any weirdos wearing leather masks. When you go trick or treating, don't forget to wear your costume. Remember last year, when the neighbours called the police cuz they thought a serial killer had showed up at their door? Tip: If that nasty woman down the road won't give you any sweets, steal the milk off her doorstep.



This year, I'm going to join our American cousins and celebrate Thanksgiving the old fashioned way. By which I mean I'm going to invite all my neighbours round for an enormous feast, kill them all and then take their land.


RIP Rocker And Legend. 1974 - 2008. Friend And Karaoke King.

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