Horrorscopes For This Month

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The Anti-Crisst
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Horrorscopes For This Month

Postby The Anti-Crisst » Fri Jul 20, 2012 2:49 pm

A better month for us all... or, is it? :D Find out by reading your entry below.

Someone very close to you is feeling pain. Use your empathic powers to feel his discomfort. Use your ears to hear his anguished cries. Use your eyes to see that you are standing on his foot. Then use your brain to move away as fast as you can before he decides to retaliate. I know that you haven't used it in a while, but try. On Tuesday, a bluebottle will fly into your ear and drive you insane with its constant buzzing. You will continue to receive a lot of pointless spam emails. Someone who you thought was a friend has signed you up to every mailing list in existance, in revenge for something that you did. Trying to work out what that was will keep you busy for the rest of this month. Warning: Every rose has its thorn.

A beard is not a hairdo, but we hope you’ll love the new chop! Whether a man or a woman, this month you may find yourself growing, styling and nurturing a beard. Your new look will finally net you the attention that you crave. On Monday, a raincloud will follow you around whereever you go, and rain only on you. Your umbrella has a hole in it, and your raincoat has been eaten by a swarm of locusts. Try not to take it too personally. Old guests are leaving; new guests are to be expected. There is a face that will bring you trouble. The face will remain a burden, a strain to your memory for life. Do you even know what the face looks like? Here's a clue for you; it is someone you thought you knew very well, but do not know at all, and yet, will get to know in the space of one week. The stars do not bode well for you this month.

You probably feel that you live in a perfectly blended world of reality and illusion. That’s nice, but you are slightly delusional. One day you will wake up. Once awake, you will continue to invent all kinds of theories to prove the realty of your world. Everyone will listen to your mental theories. However, the fact will remain that your world is non-existent for us. In actual fact, no-one really cares what you think. They only pretend that they do, cuz it's better than the alternative, which is you moaning about how no-one listens to you. For goodness sake, find a hobby and join a club so that you can talk to other likeminded people rather than boring everyone around you into a stupor. Pro-tip: Foam is an unlucky substance for you this month, so try and avoid touching it.

You have much more on your plate than you can comfortably accommodate. Start a food fight. Just try not to hit your bank manager, or he may decide to call in your overdraft. Just a hint; in more civilised society, it is not considered to be a good idea to headbutt someone when you disagree with what they are saying. Bizarre rumours are circulating of a dilapidated figure with hypnotic red eyes terrorising passers-by. It is said the figure is a Taurus. Stay away from TVs, computers, and late night debaucheries and get rid of those bloodshot eyes! The received wisdom will prevent onlookers from declaring you a vampire. Tip: Eat lots of garlic. While it's true that it will give you bad breath, it will help you.

Something horrifically strange is in the air as there is a lot of false information around this month. Evil-intentioned individuals manufacture it to serve their own purposes; the rest is just plain ignorance. It’s not funny; it can block your acceptance of true information. Don’t be blinded, filter it, reject it and only accept it if you’re an idiot. Avoid Librans. They will attempt to talk you into financing their shopping sprees for an entire month. If you agree, you will be forced to declare yourself bankrupt. On Thursday, do not cook anything which contains cheese. It will give you a nightmare where you dream that you are a figment of a Taurus' limited imagination, and you will wake up screaming. Two faced you may be, but you are not doubly blessed with intelligence. Somewhere out there is a village that is missing its idiot. Only if you go there, will you find true fufillment.

July isn't really a good month for you. You feel a bit flat after the excitement of last month and decide to drown your sorrows in alcohol. You are very good at holding your drink, however, you are one mean drunk when you've had a skinfull. You will get into at least one fight next week; altho you will be the eventual victor, it does not reflect well on you when you pound the living daylights out of someone who is half your height and a quarter of your weight. But then, you're so self absorbed anyway that you probably won't even notice. On Wednesday you will indulge in a game of Monopoly and reduce at least one good friend to tears when you bankrupt them and take away their last few pounds. You are good at this game cuz you are self serving, arrogant and don't care about others' feelings. With these qualities, you will make an excellent Mafia boss. Pro-tip: Drink more coffee.

What does this button do? Mess up everything, that’s what! Don't touch it! You have to tamper with every button, knob, handle, etc. Much like the destroyer ant, you reduce everything that lands in your path to zero. Just sit still in one place, do not move at all and if that proves to be difficult ask someone to tape you to a chair. This month, you are unable to resist the temptation to touch a wall with a "Wet Paint" sign; only to find that, due to an application of Super Glue left there by a mischievous Scorpio moments before, you are uncomfortably stuck. You really should have used your hand to touch the wall. Let this be a lesson to you. You are in some ways like an impulsive child; this was just about bearable when you actually were a child, now it's just irritating and makes people want to stab you.

Your happiness will be turned to tragedy when you realise you are no longer important to people, you are no longer listened to and you cannot influence others. It's funny how during this month we’ll be hearing you screech like a drowning cat! You insist that the hideous noise you are making is called singing, but others at the kareoke beg to differ. Either get lessons or stop putting the other people at the bar thru torture, just cuz you think that a particular song means something to you. On Friday, you will have to roll up your sleeves, put on some rubber gloves and dig deep into the rubbish bin of life. Avoid the flies and try to reach the bottom, as not doing so will be detrimental to your mental health. Warning: All colours are unlucky for you, so wear black.

Shallow tho you are, you at least remember to give a good friend a hug this week. The good karma generated from this act of friendship will save you from a disaster in two weeks time. Remember this next time you decide that you can't be bothered to give your best friend a call. You swore that your love would last until the seas run dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you’ll be single again as of Thursday. Don't cry for your love; they are not worth it and are already badmouthing you round the town. Get your own back by going out and finding a replacement. You’re finally entering that period of your life when the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you are capable of doing. Rather than spend hours thinking this over, you will give up and go to your second home, the mall. Do not buy the pink dress; it goes see thru in wet weather and shows off more than you would ever want to reveal.

You’re starting to develop a sneaking suspicion that other people are having more parties and all round fun than you are, which just proves that it takes a while for you to catch on sometimes. A family member will apologise this month for a birthday catastrophe or the catastrophe of your birth. Accept with a smile, then turn them in for food stamp fraud. All your friends are plotting against you, so don't trust anyone this month. Your strong opinions are interpreted as “being a jerk” by others around you. You have been on this Earth for many years, yet you still haven't learned when to keep your trap shut. Scorpios are best known for ending up in prison serving life sentences. You may yet avoid this fate, but only if you strive to drink a different fizzy drink every single day of this month. Tip: Change your shampoo.

You have no idea what you want to say. You will give confusing directions, and you will explain things poorly and be misunderstood. Your quiet voice will gather like dust in corners. Yes, this month will be just like all the ones before. You will try and lose weight, and yet gain it. Here's a tip; when you sneak down at midnight and grab a snack out of the fridge, it still counts on your day's total. Put a lock on your fridge or invest in some sleeping pills. For some reason, friends are always asking for your opinion. You are arrogant and oblivious of the dangerous nature of your own advice. Yet somehow, your stupidity is applied more often than you know or are credited for. Today you may spend more time with someone that you love just as much as flies love swatters. If you were a Cancer or a Scorpio, you'd slap them. Sadly, however, as a Sagittarius, you will be doomed to listen to them ramble on for half an hour which you will never regain.

It’s more frustrating to lose your keys than it is to lose your mind because most people that lose their mind don’t know it’s gone. This doesn't apply to you, cuz you have no mind. Your keys are probably behind the cistern, for some unknown reason that we don't want to go into now. The next time someone starts a sentence with, “The least you can do,” in an effort to reprimand you, stop them in their tracks and remind them that the least you can do is nothing. You do not usually win verbal battles, so that's a real plus for you. Cherish it. You might want to try something new this week, like showering and maybe even brushing your teeth. And while you’re off the couch, perhaps you might want to look into purchasing some dignity and self respect? You can't live like a student all your life, you know. Warning: Cut down on the sweets, you'll rot your teeth.



This year, I'm going to join our American cousins and celebrate Thanksgiving the old fashioned way. By which I mean I'm going to invite all my neighbours round for an enormous feast, kill them all and then take their land.


RIP Rocker And Legend. 1974 - 2008. Friend And Karaoke King.

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