1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN".
4. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
6. Follow delivery men around in pure James Bond style, but make it very obvious.
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
8. Persistantly call your bosses "sweetcheeks" and wink at them in front of everyone.
9. Replace the mouse with a real mouse.
10. Make up insulting acronyms for all your collegues, and tell them.
11. End all sentences with ".co.uk".
12. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!".
13. Poke holes in the bottoms of all the styraphome coffee cups in the break room.
14. Constantly speak in rhyme.
15. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
In a lift.
1. Walk in with a cooler that is labeled "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.
2. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
4. Just before leaving the lift, put superglue on all the buttons.
5. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
6. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
7. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
8. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
9. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
10. Bring a chair along.
11. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
12. Tell people that you can see their aura.
13. Make spitballs and flick them at the other passengers while giggling insanely.
14. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
15. Call out, "Group hug!", then enforce it.
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars, then see if any slow down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana' or 'For Sexual Favours'.
3. Skip everywhere rather than walk.
4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.
5. Ask random people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
6. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
8. While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
9. Go to a clothes shop and hide in the clothing rack. When people pass by, whisper, "Pick me!"
10. Finish all your sentences with the words, "In accordance with the prophecy."
11. Annouce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
12. Buy one of those watches that has a built in remote control, go round a friend's house when the cup final is on, and change channels every time it looks like someone might score.
13. Go into a pub and stand behind someone playing a trivia machine, shouting out all the wrong answers in a very insistant voice.
14. Connect your brake lights to your horn so that every time you hit the brakes, you beep the car in front.
15. Pay for everything in one pence pieces.
This year, I'm going to join our American cousins and celebrate Thanksgiving the old fashioned way. By which I mean I'm going to invite all my neighbours round for an enormous feast, kill them all and then take their land.RIP Rocker And Legend. 1974 - 2008. Friend And Karaoke King.